I walk in freedom
- Aug 26, 2008 - 6
My heart pounded as the Sunday School teacher asked us to break into small groups and discuss how we might reach the homosexual community for Christ.
I had often wondered if everyone knew my secret. Now I would find out. In my group of four, Rachel spoke first: “I don’t have any compassion for homosexuals.”
My heart sank.
Mark chimed in, “I don’t either, and I think AIDS is God’s judgment against homosexuals.”
These two seemed so smug, so arrogant. Anger burned inside me, and I vowed not to speak. But my friend Robert, who knew I had been a homosexual, spoke next: “Christine, what do you think?”
I shot him a look that could have killed. Then I took a deep breath and told Rachel and Mark my secret. The looks on their faces told me that they were sorry and felt embarrassed.
What they didn’t understand was that I, like many other homosexuals, didn’t choose to have these feelings. I had grown up in a home where women were either objects of a man’s lust or victims of his abuse.
My father was addicted to pornography, and he was verbally and physically abusive to my mother. Once I saw him hit her with a tennis racket. I vowed in my heart that I would never let any man hurt me like that. I resolved to be tougher and stronger than any man.
I hated being a girl because I didn’t want to be a victim like my mom. I mistakenly believed that to be feminine was to be weak, so I gravitated toward showing masculine behaviors.
My older brother was my childhood hero. I wanted to be just like him. I hung out with him whenever he would let me, and I wore his hand-me-down clothes. I even copied his handwriting style.
A natural athlete, I excelled in every sport I attempted, from tennis to little league baseball to sandlot football. I was accepted as one of the guys and often mistaken for a boy. I refused to go by my full name—Christine—because it was obviously a girl’s name, and went by Chris instead. Most adults thought I was a boy and often called me “son” or “young man.”
When I was 12, my parents divorced and sent me to live with relatives, where an older cousin molested me. Growing up, I had other experiences in which men took advantage of me. I never felt safe with men, so relationships with women seemed to be the only safe option.
My first lesbian relationship began in high school. It was exhilarating and met a need in my life. For the first time I really felt loved.
I was a lesbian for six years and thought I would always be gay. I never knew that change was possible. But in my early twenties, I met some Christians who showed me a better love—the love that God had for me. Still in a homosexual relationship, I joined a friend’s church softball team. I just wanted to play ball, but God had other ideas.
For 18 months, I played on the women’s softball team for Idlewild Baptist Church in Tampa, Fla. During that time, I was drawn by the love my teammates had for one another and for me. It seemed so pure and so right.
They knew I was different because of my foul language and unsportsmanlike conduct, but they never treated me like an outsider. Their attitude made me want what they had—a relationship with Christ.
I later found out that they were regularly praying for me.
One teammate, Kelly, knew that I was a lesbian, but she never preached to me. She just cared for me and prayed for me. I became interested in spiritual things and asked Kelly to help me study the Bible. She agreed, and we met weekly to study the book of John.
One Sunday night in October, 1989, Kelly led me in the prayer of salvation as I knelt beside my bed in my dorm room.
When I stood up, I knew that deep down something had changed. I knew that I wanted God more than my homosexuality. But becoming a Christian was only the beginning of my journey. It didn’t instantly resolve my homosexual feelings. I broke up with my lover, but I continued to struggle with unwanted same-sex attractions.
Fortunately, I found out about a ministry that helps people overcome their homosexuality, and I began to attend a local support group.
There I discovered the root causes of my homosexual desires, including sexual abuse, gender confusion, a breakdown in the relationship with my same-sex parent, an abusive father and peer rejection.
I met strong, godly women in church who helped me to see that being feminine didn’t mean being weak. I met men who treated me with dignity and respect. This freed me to embrace my gender and to stop rejecting God’s design. I even started using my full name, Christine, because I no longer wanted to hide being a girl.
My ideas about men and women were changed. I learned that being female is not a liability. And I began to identify outwardly with women, experimenting with wearing makeup and different clothes and using purses. I became different from the inside out.
Others noticed my progress and encouraged me. I’ll never forget when Robert approached me in church and said, smiling, “Christine, this is the first time you don’t look like a boy in a dress.” Though his statement hadn’t come out right, I knew that he had meant well, and it let me know I was making progress.
The key to my healing was developing healthy same-sex friendships. As I did this, my sexual attractions for women naturally diminished because I found what I was looking for all along—real love and connections with others.
With God’s help and the support of caring people, I now walk in freedom from lesbianism.
I know that a changed life is possible because I am a changed person.
Christine Sneeringer is the director of Worthy Creations, a Christian outreach to homosexuals, a member ministry of Exodus International. She lives in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
If your church would like more information on how to become involved in ministering to those who struggle with homosexuality, please contact Bob Stith, SBC’s National Strategist for Gender Issues. He is available for speaking engagements and interviews and can be reached at bstith@sbcthewayout.com. To purchase bulletin inserts on this important issue, please visit our online bookstore.
Further Learning
Learn more about: Family, Sexual Purity, Homosexuality
6 comments (post your own) feed
1 On Aug 26th, 2008, at 7:07pm, Nikki wrote:
You have to be kidding me, right?Free from Lesbianism, you make it sound as if you wereheld by “Lesbianism” against your will.Why do you think being a lesbian was wrong?God creates love, right?So love is good, whether shared between a man and a woman or a gay couple.In my opinion, humble as it may be, it would be okay for you to be involved in a polygamist relationship with 5 women and 3 men,and even..duh duh duh a hermaphrodite.
I just don’t understand how your religion can dictate your sexual relationships, maybe it’s because i’m PAGAN and I worship the Goddess as well as the God, and NO,BTW I am not gay, or in a polygamist relationship.Pardon me but I just don’t understand how something that makes you happy can be wrong, and I think if you WANT to be Gay and happy maybe you joined the wrong church, I know plenty of Christians who are gay,as a matter of fact there is an all LGBT church ,and they all are such warm and welcoming people,even accepting me,the Pagan
Blessed Be
2 On Aug 27th, 2008, at 8:21am, Warren McBee wrote:
First, the sin of active homosexuality is no worse in God’s eyes than any other sin you may name. It just seems worse to us because it strikes us as “wrong” more quickly than “other” sins. Not so in God’s eyes. God equally condemns all other social sins in His Word, in fact, condemning all sins as wrong. We, as evangelical Christians, will never win ANY sinner to Christ thru condemnation. It must be thru a relationship of sharing the love of Christ. Look at the people He associated with. Sinners! And He was widely condemned by the religious establishment. For us the challenge is to go forth and do likewise, sharing HIs love to a sinful world, regardless of the “sin”.
3 On Aug 27th, 2008, at 8:42am, Charles McKenney wrote:
Thanks for sharing your testimony! As a SS teacher & deacon in my local church, I’ve often wondered how to teach & counsel on this subject as we encounter questions about this life style. It’s so easy to fall back on the “God’s Judgement” defense. Thank you for reminding me that representing Christ’s love for mankind is the mightiest weapon in our arsenal! I’ve heard this message before, but keep reminding us self-righteous straights, so we might see the power of His love manifested & implemented with success stories like this. We won’t hear these stories anywhere else!
4 On Aug 29th, 2008, at 2:11pm, Bob Stith wrote:
Nikki,
For many of us, the Bible is our main point of reference – not what culture thinks, or society deems acceptable, etc. This is weird and difficult for some to accept but for us, we have found it to be totally reliable and trustworthy. We are confident in its authenticity and the hundreds of years of scholarship that have borne that out.
If others don’t accept that then it stands to reason they would not accept our conclusions. But for those of us who do accept it we find it to be an incredible source of guidance, peace and incredible joy.
This is true because fundamental to that revelation is the person of Jesus Christ. If Christ is not who He says He is, if He did not in fact die on a cross and was then resurrected, then, again, its understandable that many would not understand our choices.
However, if as many of us are convinced, every bit of evidence shows that Christ really is who He claimed to be, then it would be really smart to listen to what He said.
5 On Aug 29th, 2008, at 4:28pm, Bob Stith wrote:
Nikki, I evaluated the evidence and made a commitment of my life to Christ. I’ve never regretted that. I know He has my best interests at heart. I trust His direction more than I trust my own feelings.
In my experience and that of others we have found that feelings aren’t reliable determinants for life choices. Much of what we call “love” really isn’t love at all.
The love that God intends is much richer, deeper, and more rewarding than anything we find outside of God.
I’ve been married a really long time. At various times had we depended on feelings of love, both of us would have been long gone. But now as we look back we are so incredibly grateful for what God has given. We have truly discovered the wonder of Browning’s words – “Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, The last of life for which the first was made.”
So we really aren’t denying love. We’re embracing a much greater expression which at times requires denying immediate gratification.
6 On Sep 2nd, 2008, at 8:38am, Shela wrote:
Thank God for these caring Church people. Truly God has not called us to be judges or lawyers but witnesses. I hope I can be as uncondemning as they were to Christine.